I'm not alone. New mothers often think their partners never do enough. I mean, we went through the 40 weeks of gestation, not to mention the various side effects, hours of painful contractions and labour and they complain when asked to wash the baby's clothes by hand.
We are up all night feeding and tending to the baby and they hold them for five minutes and the minute baby cries, they say he or she is hungry and shove them onto our breasts. (Okay, this is everyone, not just the partners, baby cries, "Oh she's hungry, here she is"! Pfft!)
Our nipples are sore, our stitches has not completely healed, our backs ache, our wrists hurt, our hair gets greasy and our bodies stink of not having time to shower but we have no choice. Nobody else can nurse her like we do. It is either me, or me. It is our responsibility, or 'privilege'. And the 'breastfeed for the first 6 months' rule basically screws us over. And no, the expressed milk is never enough - how the hell can you express anyway if your baby does not stop sucking away at your breasts?
I am not saying AY did not help. He is the designated LA-burper after almost every feed because he was always better at it. He helped rocked LA go to sleep when I can't take her comfort-sucking anymore. He rubbed my back, slept with one pillow so I can have the other three to support my back while nursing. He fetched me drinks and biscuits when I get too thirsty or hungry while LA is sucking. He even betulkan my socks! It just never feels enough. My mom said I 'bullied' him too much, but I reckon I just wanted to be spoilt. I somehow seemed to
forget that e wakes up at 6 in the morning - sometimes earlier - to go to work.
I thought being separated would make it even harder but surprisingly it was the best thing we could've done. AY was who I could complain everything to - and he'd totally understand - without sounding like a failure, until today.
LA is back to her colicky self. She cries for hours straight and nothing could soothe her. I was becoming frustrated when I couldn't do anything else. She falls asleep, I put her down in her cot, sit on the toilet and two seconds later she starts crying.
Don't get me wrong, I am far from doing it alone. My family is here to help me. And they've been such great help that I feel somewhat guilty. My mom bathes her every morning. My abang rocks her to sleep (and then she wakes up again). But I don't feel comfortable passing my crying
baby to someone else. I mean, I am the mother, shouldn't I be able to soothe my own daugther? Shouldn't I be able to make her go to sleep? This is why I need AY here with me. I really can't wait for him to get his ass down, or actually, up here.
But now, all he could do is, in his own words, let me 'take it out on' him. And I shouldn't, but being a parent is a 24/7 job, it isn't like going to work for 8 hours and having a break at the end of the day. And right now, being a 'single' parent means working double hard. And at six-week old (today!), LA has no use of proxy parent, so I'll take you up on your offer but I just need to apologise in advance.
And just in case I don't say it enough lately, ILUSVM.
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I have a feeling I am going to have trouble adjusting to not have any help during the time AY's at work. And I have a feeling
more often, being homesick and all. Dreading the days.
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LA isn't all bad. When she isn't crying or being a newborn, she smiles and shows her hereditary dimple. She's also a good traveller, based on that one experience, and the Baby Bjorn Active Carrier was a good investment.
Trial session.
The lamest excuse I have heard of not visiting; Being scared that I would be embarrassed with my kain batik and hair all tied up during confinement. Shouldn't I be the judge of that? Idiot.
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