Cry it out? You mean for me or the baby?

Yes, I tried the Ferber/Cry It Out method. Leah has so much trouble sleeping lately I just had to! Sorry!

I know we have never properly establish a bedtime routine for Leah. Maybe because we have never been consistent. Also because as soon as we've got something going on, someone got sick or we moved houses or got on an 8-hour plane ride.

At literally 1-month old, we (me and Leah) went back to my birthplace in Kuala Lumpur. There she spent most of her sleeping time on my chest or right next to me with my boob as her dummy on the daybed or in her Nanna's arms while I take a precious bath. Yes, all bad habits I know, but I'm a first time mother and nobody bought me one of those What To Expect books! I mean, two midwives walked in on Leah sleeping on me in the hospital and nobody said anything about how that not being a good thing!

When she was about 2+month old, we've realised that she can only be laid down either in her cousin's cot or on our king-size bed (I moved upstairs when AY joined us in KL) after 11pm and would sleep, well, like a baby until about 5am. Maybe it was my smelly clothes, but we've got it made, or so we thought!

And then there were all those travelling during Hari Raya. KL-JB-Melaka-KL-Melaka-KL. All new places, all new faces, she had to start all over again. The hot weather were not helping too!

The week before we came back to Melbourne, we were all sort of sick, and when Mommy is sick, baby inevitably caught the bug too. So she started to sleep with me as her dummy again. And that was how we coped on the plane too. She was just there, on my arm, sucking and sleeping and sucking and sucking. Don't even get me started on pacifiers. She thinks they (yes, we tried six different kinds) are toys and starts playing with them whenever we pop one in.

And then it was too cold to put her in the cot all by herself, so on our bed she comes. And at 5+months, we moved houses, so again with the new environment and all that jazz. We can't fit her cot in our room and it is still quite chilly and her cot is quite far away and bla bla (I'm too lazy) bla. We have tried putting her in there once in a while, and there's always one of us who can't bear to hear her cry/scream.

Every month I say, at 4-month! At 6-month! It never works. So as she is turning 8-month, something has got to change! Especially since we came back from Perth (that's a whole other entry, yes?) which is 3 hours behind, she has begun to act up at night. And now she is teething! So we thought okay, she's going to have trouble sleeping, so, yes, please come sleep with us. But because she is becoming such a pro at crawling (@7+month) and rolling over (@6+month) and standing up (@7+month) she thinks playtime is anytime. I get that she is having too much fun with all these new skills, it has been a busy month for her but she also needs to sleep! I've had it up to *here* with her climbing over us in bed and dancing while grabbing my boobies that its not even funny anymore. Not when it is 3am!

I tried leaving her in her cot over the weekend, but AY was being a bit of a wuss and took her after 2 minutes. It was 8pm, fair enough, but other babies were sleeping at 7pm, no?

So I figured, let's start today, with an afternoon nap. I've read what they do at sleep schools and I tried their steps. She woke up at 12.10pm, nursed her, let her play for a while, fed her lunch, bathe her, playtime again and by 2pm I was ready to put her in the cot. In her sleepsuit too this time. She started crying instantly.

I went to take my bath and less than 10 minutes later she was still screaming! I went in to reassure her that Mommy's still here, I'm not going anywhere, just in the next room bla bla but as soon as I saw her trying to stand in the sleepsuit, screaming her heads off I brokedown. Picked her up, hugged and kissed her, put her down again saying its for her own good and left to get dressed. Not without her trying to grab me thight.

The screams got louder. Came back and saw she was standing at the corner nearest to the door, hands held out, knees bent, moving up and down, nose was red, face was wet with tears...how was I supposed to be strong? I cried like I've never cried before. "Controlled crying" you could say. I was able to talk and cry at the same time. I don't think I was able to do that. Mommy-cry I shall call it. When you see your baby crying, because she is hurt or scared you can't help but be hurt and scared too.

That was when I realise that I am *a* mother. Yes took me 8 months, but you know what I mean. I nurse her, change her, bathe her, cook and clean for her, I do basically everything. AY have been helpful, But I am responsible. I brought her into this world, yes, but I am also responsible for the way she feels. Why am I hurting her like that? I'm sorry sayang, without you I am nothing. She is why I wake up in the mornings (or afternoons). You and your babah both. I love youse two!

Its true what Kourtney Kardashian tweets about her baby Mason recently, we can try put them in their cots, but when they are sleeping peacefully next to you, why bother?

I know she probably doesn't look it, but she's happy, trust me. Now we put her in the cot for kicks, just to see if she'd cry. She would! Haih, kasi adik la cot tu!

Sorry, didn't expect this to be a long one. But then again, I haven't blogged in a while. And according to my Foundation Studies English teacher Denise, I can crap on and on apparently.

Good night!
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