KL-lites, LA is coming to town!

For a few years now (ever since we got married) I've always sort-of known that we will always be back for raya. Seeing how my mom does most of the cooking and preparation and how nobody is really around to help besides me and my sister in law.

And up until last week, we've always said that we'll be back for raya again this year (August 31). But AY have been wanting to go for a ski trip for ages. LA was born last winter so last year was definitely a no-go. And because they are born so close to each other I thought why not have a 'big' one (celebration) this year, i.e. spend a little bit more money. So I kind of promised that we'll definitely go skiing this year for AY's birthday (July 3rd).

So because we're allocating money for LA's party and the ski trip (which is not sikit) duit nak balik Malaysia pun dah jadi kurang. My parents ask me all the time bila nak balik because they miss Leah lots, hence my huge problem.

I really want Leah to spend some time with my family and to basically 'socialise' but having the three of us balik raya is not an option now. Of course I'd like to raya with my family in KL and JB but everytime we do, most of our time is spent in the car travelling from KL-JB-Melaka-KL-Melaka-KL. That's a lot of hours on the road for a short 2 or 3 week holidays. I know I'm right on this one.

So last week AY dropped a bombshell. He said he's okay if he doesn't go (bukan balik okay, go haha) Malaysia this year. And I have been toying with the idea of going back for a bit in April. But that's too late now. December seems like so far away and too expensive anyway. I will NEVER leave AY alone during raya no way in hell. I contemplated a week after raya but what's the point. So May it is! Just me and babygirl! But I don't know if I should feel excited! Honestly, the reason for this trip is for Leah to get to know my family.

Another problem, I asked AY if he's going to be okay alone. No problem he said. Is he going to be okay if he misses Leah's first steps? OH NO, why did I bring that up??? Leah will insya-Allah be 10.5-11months and who knows if she'll start walking. So he almost didn't let us go. But babe I promise we'll skype whenever we can okay, every night whenever we're home. (Might pop by in JB for a cousin's wedding - not that I'm planning to go out partying or something)

And he asked if I am going to be okay being alone with Leah. I said it'll be like staying at home everyday while he goes to work. But without trying to cook while a she holds on to my legs and pulling my pants down. Without trying to hold my pee in because she cries whenever I leave the room. So I'll shower with the door open, so I'll be on full-time diaper duty. So I'll be both good cop bad cop. I should be able to handle this, shouldn't I?

ARGHHHH anxiety attack!

Can I handle her alone on the plane?
Who is going to hold her if I need to go to the toilet? Who's going to take. Stuff from the overhead compartment or if she drop things? Who's going to collect the luggage from the carousel? I have become to dependant on AY I'm seriously nervous. I mean, my earliear arguments (yes we've talked abt my going alone with Leah a million times) has precedents. I've always seen moms w baby AND toddler travelling alone. If they can do it, I can. Righttt???

Can I handle leaving AY alone for 3 weeks?
My main roles in life now revolves around Leah and AY. Admittedly I don't do much (I iron about once a month whoops), but I cook everyday. I like to give him reason to appreciate me. Hahaha. And I do have attachment issue. The last time I left him I was more worried abt him than excited about going. Same thing now. Need to start cooking and freezing soon. The only thing that makes me feel a bit better is that he might be going to China for work. Oh, I hope he does. Then I wouldn't feel so bad.

Can I handle being the 5th wheel at home?
Okay not a major problem but yea sometimes I can feel a little left out with my parents and my brother and his wife and possibly my other brothers and their girlfriends. Duh, I need to suck it up. Next!

Can I handle knowing AY and LA are going to miss each other??? NOOOOO! When we get back here, will LA react the same way everytime her Babah gets back from work. You should see the joy on her face. She starts smiling even seeing the back of his head. And guess what? I'm not jealous! (This deserves another entry) but yea I hope they don't lose that bond. Three weeks could be a long time for a baby, yes?

I have to admit, I am always the bad cop in our family. AY rajin layan and is more playful with her. Granted he only spends about 5 hours with her, not enough to get tired like I do. And she doesn't kick him in the tummy while breastfeeding. And she doesn't cry when he leaves the room. So yeah, cut me a little slack when I raise my voice at her sometimes. But I'm afraid I won't be able to control it when I'm alone with her.

So there, we'll be back in KL in less than a month but I can't stop talking about how worried I am. Sorry this post is more than a rant but if you're not in my situation, you wouldn't understand.

Because the biggest problem of all is trying to make everyone happy. 1. My parents clearly said to me that I have to sacrifice my time and money and bring my child or any future children home to meet them every year (at least) because they've 'sacrificed' losing me to a foreigner(??). And they are pretty good at playing the guilt card. 2. I am very attached to my husband (so sue me) and would die if we're apart for too long. 3. I want my child or future children to get to know my family because they are awesome (mostly) 4. I want to have everyone happy under one roof, how do I make that happen????

This post doesn't make sense, if you managed to read til the end, well done you. If you have an answer or a way for me to make a gazillion $ so I can jet back and forth please let me know. Or at least offer me a job. Otherwise, please pray for my sanity because I am going insane!
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