why bittersweet?

Because I was leaving my husband (for a bit) but letting my family meet and hang out with my babygirl!

I know la some people thing, alah what is the big deal? It's only three weeks. Some couples slash lovers have been apart for far longer than that. Well, I guess they don't have separation anxiety, because I clearly do.

Here is my issue, it's not the physically being apart, it is the mental that is driving me nuts. My mind goes to places I don't want it to go and I don't even want to say where it goes to because I am so afraid of jinxing it. But I am basically scared. Scared that everytime we are apart we may never get to see each other again. I hate the fact that AY is missing out on LA's daily development. I'm scared that Leah won't smile that crazy smile of her again whenever he gets home from work when we get back to Melbourne. Because babies are creatures of habit, I'm scared three weeks is a little too long and she'll develop a new routine that does not include her father. Scared shitless its not even funny! That's why I'm bitter.

But it's also sweet because Leah who has been so much of an anti-social to be friendly with her cousins in KL. They get together often and have girly games that I want Leah to be a part of. I want her to give hugs and kisses to her grandparents and I want my family to spoil her as much as they spoil her cousin who lives with them. Wishful thinking I know, in three weeks? We'll see...

In the meantime, our adventures on the Mel-Kul ride deserves another entry. I have slept less than an hour since yesterday and now I can't sleep because my parents wants us to sleep with them. I couldn't because I sometimes nurse to sleep in the middle of the night and accidentally leave my boobies out like it's a crime scene. And also the ubat nyamuk brings the worse of my sinusitis. I could've just left Leah to sleep with my parents because she seemed to be in too deep a sleep (think warmth) to wake in the middle of the night anyway, but I have separation anxiety remember? Me sleeping with neither Leah nor AY? No, thank you!

So here I am alone with Leah in my room and I am missing AY so bad. We said this is our test, we'll see how this trip go and decide if we'll ever do this again, the being apart thing.

One day in and I reckon I know how it's going to go... :(
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bittersweet

My parents say they miss Leah and play the guilt card all the time.

I promised AY we'd go skiing for his birthday this year.

We can't afford to all go home and ski, so here I am.

Its 1.50am, I'm breastfeeding Leah, waiting for our plane to board. Oh and did I mention I'm also bawling my eyes out? Why? Because AY is not with us! :(

I seriously contemplated to go home for a short holiday or for raya but because of money issues, and AY not coming with us, I decided to just pop over in May. There is no way that I'd leave AY during raya. No way. I love my family and all, but AY and Leah is my main family now. We're arriving just in time for my niece's 2nd birthday tomorrow.

And how appropriate is the timing for Leah to get the hang of waving goodbye?

Me. Sad. Very sad.

Why do we keep on doing this to ourselves???

Ps: I think Leah is the only baby on the flight tonight. Please pray that she'll be good. Nervous!!!

*sorry malas nak proofread. Mata bengkak, mind everywhere, arms hurting, she's abt 8kilos now I reckon, if not more.
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